I love first impressions. They allow me to act however I want because I think "Hey I don't know these people well, so who cares what they think!"
People always want the me they first met, but as soon as they see a bit of the me behind the first impression they run with their tails between their legs.
They don't like what they see and then I need to go and find more people, the problem is the same thing happens again and they run away. It's a vicious cycle which I cannot escape from.
I envy those who have long lasting friendships. The ones who brag about how they have been friends since primary school.
There are those who say "I hate first impressions and meeting new people! I get so anxious" but soon find someone to be there best friend and never leave that person's side.
I long for a friendship where people can still love who I am even after seeing behind the first impression.
..... I just don't think that people can tolerate the mess of a person behind the facade, I don't blame them neither can I.
Monday, 17 October 2016
Thursday, 6 October 2016
How our friendship ended
Honestly, we were best friends for five years. Even now my heart hurts still stings at the thought that we aren't in each others lives. The details are blurry but I know we caused hurt in one another. It wasn't a single persons doing.
In high school we were inseparable. As soon as someone said your name they would immediately think of mine right after. When I first saw you in our home ec class you stood up and talked with a tone of arrogance in your voice. I mistook you for a bitch that was not to be messed with. Later I found that was just your joking tone and that you were often misunderstood because of that.
We first became close when I offered you a ride back home. We found out we had similar faiths and my mom awkwardly said 'oh my daughter's been looking for someone of the faith to be best friends with'. I rolled my eyes at first thinking just because we have similar faiths doesn't mean we will automatically become best friends.
But in some weird way that is exactly what ended up happening. I invited you to my house on multiple occasions and you quickly became my parents second daughter. Because you were smart, articulate, and hilarious my parents would begin judging me saying why can't you be more like your friend in some aspects.
In turn I was invited to your house. Not being used to Vietnamese culture I wasn't really sure how to approach your parents at first. But soon they became people I knew I could rely on.
Then soon we had both our parents meet. I had no idea how it would go especially because my parents were so loud and boisterous and her parents were usually more quiet and reserved. To my utter surprise even to this day they got along extremely well to the point where we would meet them always on special occasions.
Soon we settled into our friendship, knowing that we had only been friends for a year and a half but feeling as if we had been friends for life. That's when things started getting complicated.
We started getting on one another's nerves. You were strong willed and I was very much not. So when conflict arose it was never your fault or you would always have some reasoning behind the issue. Sometimes you were completely right but other times i felt strongly that you were not and I being afraid of conflict would just overlook it and end up bottling the problems inside.
For you, I had become so complacent in our relationship that I took our relationship for granted and just expected you to listen and be with me for my every whim. I know it was frustrating for you who was putting in so much effort into the relationship still to have me only half-listen to your requests and not give you the attention you deserved just figuring we would be friends forever anyways so why bother putting in extra thought.
Even still I remember we were like family going on trips together to Kitchener and Vancouver. I remember your frustrations with your family because of your restricted activity. The only time you were ever allowed to go out was if it was with me. At first I was happy because my parents and I helped in expanding your world bit by bit, and you were finally able to do so many things you wanted to do.
The only problem I realized was that you may have started resenting me, because you desired having your own freedom so much but realized that you only had freedom because of me when you wanted to get it in your own power with or without me there.
This I only found out though in university. In our second year we were still going strong, going to a youth group together and mingling with others but then talking to each other later about it. The problems came later on.
Our class schedule was different, and you started becoming close to people at volleyball and in the youth group. You were drinking every night, and started making more lewd jokes, and swearing a whole lot more. You were fixated on staying friends with everyone in the volleyball group and gossiped about all their private lives to me. Not being used to this I didn't say anything and just went with the flow.
Then came the long car trips alone with one guy. The fact that you would spend nights alone with him, and yet from what you told me this same guy used girls like they were tissue papers and throw them away once he was done with them. I wondered what you were thinking.
You always insisted you were just friends, but I feel that staying overnight alone with one guy is not very 'friend'. I asked my friends for advice and they said not to worry about it but I couldn't, especially since you started spending a crap ton of money on the same guy.
I felt that he was taking my place so my jealousy was obviously kicking in but at the same time I was worried for your safety because this guy just sounded like a bad news bears situation, and your personality was changing by the minute. I felt like I barely knew you anymore.
When meeting him I found he was rude arrogant and he didn't care about anyone but himself, you kept insisting that he usually wasn't like this, but my suspicions rose and rose.
At the same time you were hanging with the youth group on your breaks. I was happy to hear this and decided to try and join on my breaks as well. When I arrived however I could never get a peep in between you and the others. When I did finally start getting into the conversation you would change the subject to something that happened the other day and I would sit there feeling awkward and alone.
This sometimes happened in the past but you would always explain it to me and include me in the joke somehow. Now I was just brushed over, and I felt that I had no place in your world.
I tried like you were doing and trying to become friends with people individually but I could never mesh with certain people. Even when I did I would find later that those same people would have an event but not invite me. And so they became closer with everyone while I would just be dust in the wind.
I asked people to subtly let me know about these events so I could try and join too. Problem was these plans were made 'last minute' and so they couldn't invite me. Clicks started forming and I soon found myself with no one.
You who I had relied on so much started changing and only talking of your relationship with others. We no longer had moments of our own or enjoyed events together. When we did you would soon forget of them as soon as someone else came along and I would be left alone again.
I wondered what was wrong with me and asked your advice on it, asking if it was my interests or my personality. You suggested maybe my interests were what was needed to change.
I tried I honestly did try but I couldn't find new interests that I enjoyed more than my old ones and I started feeling judgement from you when talking about interests that you used to like but now found childish.
I started on the pill at this time and started going out with one of the boys from the youth group. I used your advice my friend and acted more confident around him. Only problem was I was faking and my act was soon realized and I was quickly dumped and he moved onto the next girl waiting.
The pill I had been on enhanced these depressed feelings making me feel even more depressed that usual. I looked to you for help and at first you were there but soon you grew tired of me and asked me why I was still so upset even though it had only been for a couple of weeks.
I tried looking to other 'friends' at the youth to find solace in, Only the problem was he was a part of that youth too and many people did not want to pick sides.
Feeling alone forgotten and having the pills enhance these feelings I started becoming suicidal. I unleashed all my bottled up feeling on you. I agree at the time this wasnt fair. You never knew I had these issues before so how are you supposed to respond to them. But at the same time if I had told them to you at the time you would have said it wasn't your fault just like in high school.
This is where our relationship cracked and ended. You made me feel awful for spilling my guts and problems to you, becuase you had no idea where they were coming from, and I was hurting from all the pain and loneliness you and everyone around me had been causing.
Later I heard the relationship you had with the guy from volleyball who was awful to women ended. You were upset and I tried comforting you. I am sorry that he didn't appreciate everything you had done for him.
Our personalities could no longer mesh with one another, you needed another strong person who could tell you when you were going to far but tell you it in love, and I needed someone who would comfort me and let me be honest with them without feeling like it was never their fault and always mine.
We are in different places now in our lives. I found a boy who gave me all what I needed and more and am no longer alone (plus I am off that pill), and you have a good girlfriends who are strong willed and love you with all their hearts.
In some ways I will always be jealous of those girls because you have changed to become almost like them. But it isnt a bad change, and I just yearn for those days when we were so close to one another.
I just want to thank you for all the birthdays you made so much more special for me. I want to thank you for all those times I was cornered and balled my eyes out to you. I want to thank you for the makeup you did and the advice you gave me (although sometimes very pushy). I want to thank you for maybe not later in our relationship but at the beginning of our relationship loving me with every flaw and still thinking I was a fun person to be around all the time.
You were always their for me and you helped strengthen my relationship with God.
I love you and hope for the best for you in your life
-Again I would like to apologize for spelling mistakes, the computer started getting weird and everytime I tried correcting something it would delete part of the script, again try to ignore it-
In high school we were inseparable. As soon as someone said your name they would immediately think of mine right after. When I first saw you in our home ec class you stood up and talked with a tone of arrogance in your voice. I mistook you for a bitch that was not to be messed with. Later I found that was just your joking tone and that you were often misunderstood because of that.
We first became close when I offered you a ride back home. We found out we had similar faiths and my mom awkwardly said 'oh my daughter's been looking for someone of the faith to be best friends with'. I rolled my eyes at first thinking just because we have similar faiths doesn't mean we will automatically become best friends.
But in some weird way that is exactly what ended up happening. I invited you to my house on multiple occasions and you quickly became my parents second daughter. Because you were smart, articulate, and hilarious my parents would begin judging me saying why can't you be more like your friend in some aspects.
In turn I was invited to your house. Not being used to Vietnamese culture I wasn't really sure how to approach your parents at first. But soon they became people I knew I could rely on.
Then soon we had both our parents meet. I had no idea how it would go especially because my parents were so loud and boisterous and her parents were usually more quiet and reserved. To my utter surprise even to this day they got along extremely well to the point where we would meet them always on special occasions.
Soon we settled into our friendship, knowing that we had only been friends for a year and a half but feeling as if we had been friends for life. That's when things started getting complicated.
We started getting on one another's nerves. You were strong willed and I was very much not. So when conflict arose it was never your fault or you would always have some reasoning behind the issue. Sometimes you were completely right but other times i felt strongly that you were not and I being afraid of conflict would just overlook it and end up bottling the problems inside.
For you, I had become so complacent in our relationship that I took our relationship for granted and just expected you to listen and be with me for my every whim. I know it was frustrating for you who was putting in so much effort into the relationship still to have me only half-listen to your requests and not give you the attention you deserved just figuring we would be friends forever anyways so why bother putting in extra thought.
Even still I remember we were like family going on trips together to Kitchener and Vancouver. I remember your frustrations with your family because of your restricted activity. The only time you were ever allowed to go out was if it was with me. At first I was happy because my parents and I helped in expanding your world bit by bit, and you were finally able to do so many things you wanted to do.
The only problem I realized was that you may have started resenting me, because you desired having your own freedom so much but realized that you only had freedom because of me when you wanted to get it in your own power with or without me there.
This I only found out though in university. In our second year we were still going strong, going to a youth group together and mingling with others but then talking to each other later about it. The problems came later on.
Our class schedule was different, and you started becoming close to people at volleyball and in the youth group. You were drinking every night, and started making more lewd jokes, and swearing a whole lot more. You were fixated on staying friends with everyone in the volleyball group and gossiped about all their private lives to me. Not being used to this I didn't say anything and just went with the flow.
Then came the long car trips alone with one guy. The fact that you would spend nights alone with him, and yet from what you told me this same guy used girls like they were tissue papers and throw them away once he was done with them. I wondered what you were thinking.
You always insisted you were just friends, but I feel that staying overnight alone with one guy is not very 'friend'. I asked my friends for advice and they said not to worry about it but I couldn't, especially since you started spending a crap ton of money on the same guy.
I felt that he was taking my place so my jealousy was obviously kicking in but at the same time I was worried for your safety because this guy just sounded like a bad news bears situation, and your personality was changing by the minute. I felt like I barely knew you anymore.
When meeting him I found he was rude arrogant and he didn't care about anyone but himself, you kept insisting that he usually wasn't like this, but my suspicions rose and rose.
At the same time you were hanging with the youth group on your breaks. I was happy to hear this and decided to try and join on my breaks as well. When I arrived however I could never get a peep in between you and the others. When I did finally start getting into the conversation you would change the subject to something that happened the other day and I would sit there feeling awkward and alone.
This sometimes happened in the past but you would always explain it to me and include me in the joke somehow. Now I was just brushed over, and I felt that I had no place in your world.
I tried like you were doing and trying to become friends with people individually but I could never mesh with certain people. Even when I did I would find later that those same people would have an event but not invite me. And so they became closer with everyone while I would just be dust in the wind.
I asked people to subtly let me know about these events so I could try and join too. Problem was these plans were made 'last minute' and so they couldn't invite me. Clicks started forming and I soon found myself with no one.
You who I had relied on so much started changing and only talking of your relationship with others. We no longer had moments of our own or enjoyed events together. When we did you would soon forget of them as soon as someone else came along and I would be left alone again.
I wondered what was wrong with me and asked your advice on it, asking if it was my interests or my personality. You suggested maybe my interests were what was needed to change.
I tried I honestly did try but I couldn't find new interests that I enjoyed more than my old ones and I started feeling judgement from you when talking about interests that you used to like but now found childish.
I started on the pill at this time and started going out with one of the boys from the youth group. I used your advice my friend and acted more confident around him. Only problem was I was faking and my act was soon realized and I was quickly dumped and he moved onto the next girl waiting.
The pill I had been on enhanced these depressed feelings making me feel even more depressed that usual. I looked to you for help and at first you were there but soon you grew tired of me and asked me why I was still so upset even though it had only been for a couple of weeks.
I tried looking to other 'friends' at the youth to find solace in, Only the problem was he was a part of that youth too and many people did not want to pick sides.
Feeling alone forgotten and having the pills enhance these feelings I started becoming suicidal. I unleashed all my bottled up feeling on you. I agree at the time this wasnt fair. You never knew I had these issues before so how are you supposed to respond to them. But at the same time if I had told them to you at the time you would have said it wasn't your fault just like in high school.
This is where our relationship cracked and ended. You made me feel awful for spilling my guts and problems to you, becuase you had no idea where they were coming from, and I was hurting from all the pain and loneliness you and everyone around me had been causing.
Later I heard the relationship you had with the guy from volleyball who was awful to women ended. You were upset and I tried comforting you. I am sorry that he didn't appreciate everything you had done for him.
Our personalities could no longer mesh with one another, you needed another strong person who could tell you when you were going to far but tell you it in love, and I needed someone who would comfort me and let me be honest with them without feeling like it was never their fault and always mine.
We are in different places now in our lives. I found a boy who gave me all what I needed and more and am no longer alone (plus I am off that pill), and you have a good girlfriends who are strong willed and love you with all their hearts.
In some ways I will always be jealous of those girls because you have changed to become almost like them. But it isnt a bad change, and I just yearn for those days when we were so close to one another.
I just want to thank you for all the birthdays you made so much more special for me. I want to thank you for all those times I was cornered and balled my eyes out to you. I want to thank you for the makeup you did and the advice you gave me (although sometimes very pushy). I want to thank you for maybe not later in our relationship but at the beginning of our relationship loving me with every flaw and still thinking I was a fun person to be around all the time.
You were always their for me and you helped strengthen my relationship with God.
I love you and hope for the best for you in your life
-Again I would like to apologize for spelling mistakes, the computer started getting weird and everytime I tried correcting something it would delete part of the script, again try to ignore it-
A high school crush
I have no idea how we met or even how we started talking to one another. All I remember is the days spent texting and using msn messenger for hours and hours on end just having stupid conversations.
I remember laughing and crying, and the feelings of beginning to care for you more and more. I denied there were feelings, I continued on with the persona of 'just friends' trying to believe every ounce of it knowing he had a girlfriend who he cared for.
I should have known this wasn't true the time I found that skull key lanyard and bought it for him as a gift. I should have realized these feelings when I couldn't put the phone down in case he had texted, even when I was supposed to be spending time with friends.
Honestly you were different from most boys. You had long wavy jet black hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and always wore dark clothes and tight skinny jeans. Your laugh was contagious and I loved it when I could make your day just a little happier. All the hurts and pains you shared with me but brushed them off as normal, made me think it was my personal duty to bring you as much happiness as possible.
I realized your girlfriend went to our school. I took a look at her one day, she was shorter than I, with died blonde hair, honey coloured eyes and glasses. I heard she was in a band just like how you always wanted to be. I talked to my friend about her and probably trying to make me feel better she said there was nothing so amazing about her, in fact she had a nose that looked like a dick. We laughed about 'dick nose' and taunted her behind her back.
It was all in a futile attempt to diminish her, and try to raise my own self confidence and worth up. In reality I was jealous of her and how she held your affections the way I so desperately wanted you to do with me.
Honestly in all my futile attempts to have you pay attention to me, in raging at you over stupid jealousy issues, and hurting you in the process I want to say I am sorry, and I am glad that we went our separate ways.
I will always keep our time together a memory, and remember the lessons I learned from it so I will not repeat the same mistakes again.
- Side note- I realize my grammar is not always correct so please ignore it.
I remember laughing and crying, and the feelings of beginning to care for you more and more. I denied there were feelings, I continued on with the persona of 'just friends' trying to believe every ounce of it knowing he had a girlfriend who he cared for.
I should have known this wasn't true the time I found that skull key lanyard and bought it for him as a gift. I should have realized these feelings when I couldn't put the phone down in case he had texted, even when I was supposed to be spending time with friends.
Honestly you were different from most boys. You had long wavy jet black hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and always wore dark clothes and tight skinny jeans. Your laugh was contagious and I loved it when I could make your day just a little happier. All the hurts and pains you shared with me but brushed them off as normal, made me think it was my personal duty to bring you as much happiness as possible.
I realized your girlfriend went to our school. I took a look at her one day, she was shorter than I, with died blonde hair, honey coloured eyes and glasses. I heard she was in a band just like how you always wanted to be. I talked to my friend about her and probably trying to make me feel better she said there was nothing so amazing about her, in fact she had a nose that looked like a dick. We laughed about 'dick nose' and taunted her behind her back.
It was all in a futile attempt to diminish her, and try to raise my own self confidence and worth up. In reality I was jealous of her and how she held your affections the way I so desperately wanted you to do with me.
Honestly in all my futile attempts to have you pay attention to me, in raging at you over stupid jealousy issues, and hurting you in the process I want to say I am sorry, and I am glad that we went our separate ways.
I will always keep our time together a memory, and remember the lessons I learned from it so I will not repeat the same mistakes again.
- Side note- I realize my grammar is not always correct so please ignore it.
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